I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
