I think im going to throw up on grandma
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
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The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
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Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I currently don't understand fingers.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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