Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
