I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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