I am full of burrito and curiosity
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
