and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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