Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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