Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
