im drinking this country out of the recession.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
