If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
