His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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