You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
