MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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