i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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