get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
