Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
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Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
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Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize