Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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