I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
