epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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