When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
