I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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