My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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