I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
