No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
