if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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