I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
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we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
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bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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