I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
