oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
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