Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
