Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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