My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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