I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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