dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
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I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
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I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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