Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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