my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Randomize
