I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
