just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The power of my boobs compel you
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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