It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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