Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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