seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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