btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
