I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
