I faked an abortion last night.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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