Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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