so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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