Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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