guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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