If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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