How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
