Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
