I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
