My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
