my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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