Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
