the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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