best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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